Love Like a Leader: What a Great Boss Can Teach You About Partnership

I’m thrilled to report that I’ve just read a heap of research on mate selection habits among millennials and Gen Z so you don’t have to. Here’s the gist:

1. There is a love-hate relationship with dating apps.

2. Hetero dating is down, overall.

3. Young men are awash in unfriendly misinformation that is self-defeating.

4. Young women want “partners” more than trad husbands.

5. Some trad customs still cling, like who pays and who leads, and what constitutes kindness and chivalry.

6. Most young people have grown up with easy access to pornography that shapes their ideas about sex and how to have it.

7. Trust is a high and early hurdle. Nothing is assumed to be true, and that cynicism taints how each gender views the other.

Analysis

Ever since courtship took up residence in cyberspace, there have been a rash of studies on how that’s affecting mate selection. Both how we choose and how we get chosen have become a zero-sum game with winners and losers, leaving scant middle ground that would look like “getting to know you.” Then there’s the rise of the incel male—young men who’ve concluded the odds are so stacked against them that they’re tapping out of the mating game entirely. Digging into this data is heart wrenching. Can’t we all find the love we want?

My reading led me to ask: who was the best “partner” model I’ve ever witnessed? Weirdly, the answer that came to mind was a boss. No, a great boss.

Three decades ago, I was working on an innovative communications tool called the internet. At the time, my job was at the American Library Association (ALA). We jumped in early to the policy conversations about the web and how Americans could benefit from it as an information resource.

At ALA, I had a remarkable boss. Her name was Peggy Barber, and she managed the communications department where I handled external relations with business and civic leaders. Peggy drew the best out of people. I was encouraged to seize ambitious projects and make things happen. She was a passionate reader, spelunking from one project to another: She helped Oprah establish a national book club; she invented the iconic READ poster campaign, for which she recruited celebrities from Alec Baldwin to Miss Piggy; and she built a national network for literacy programs to share resources. All of which meant she had her own exciting work that lit her up and never found it necessary to hover over mine. But if anyone on her team got a win, she was all over it.

What made Peggy a good boss, and a great human, was her ability to see the good in others and enhance it. By “good” I mean talent, curiosity, and drive. In return, she expected an employee to create a feedback loop—an easy give-and-take about how things were going. Namely, she wanted evidence of your progress and the occasional alert if you hit a stumbling block. Those hallway chats became the basis of mutual trust. I felt appreciated, respected, and encouraged to pursue my best work.

In short, Peggy was a master collaborator. She knew when to lead and when to follow.

After reading the data on young people looking for love, it appears that what young women want is a collaborator. I couldn’t help wondering if the Prince Charming Meets Princess model is broken. If people want what they say they want, they’re looking for a good collaborator to work through the rough patches and share the joys of life.

Elsewhere, there is ample research to support that most people flourish in relationships, whether on the job or in the home, where they can be relied upon to take action without intense supervision. That’s how collaborators work—you do your part, I’ll do mine.

Then there’s the matter of respect. People in happy marriages, for instance, often trade off roles depending on the task. You get the kids, I’ll start supper. Deciding who gets to lead and who gets to follow can be fluid, but there’s recognition that both parties want to achieve the same goal, and will cede to the other in the duo. The trading off of talents and tasks is not perceived as a demotion or subjugation; rather, it’s a way of being together.

I admit it may seem odd to think of one’s favorite boss as a model for a mate. After all, your boss is, well, your superior. But I recall reading a study from the 1990s in which two industrial psychologists analyzed workplace dynamics for recent college grads. They found that our work environments do play a significant role in our emotional development in adult life. Think of it as a playground effect: We hone our soft skills by playing well with others.

If people want to improve their chances of finding a lasting relationship, maybe it’s time we fess up to the way pop culture over-romanticizes how we build bonds that last.

The divorce rate is still high, and the number of marriages ending before either partner turns 35 is equally concerning. The outlook might be improved if people considered how they actually evaluate a potential partner. This is where a great boss or colleague comes in. A great boss actively seeks to bring out the best in you. They’re rooting for you. They support your autonomy. They bestow rewards and recognition for a job well done. Isn’t that what we yearn for in love relationships? And I’d like to argue that these are the gestures that also nurture deep intimacy.

In a world of meaningless human behavior, the value of marriage is being questioned, not unlike other institutions. The dismal chorus of the data is that young people are struggling to forge solid bonds, period. Worse, they are losing hope of ever doing so.

I don’t recommend seeing your great boss as a lover, but rather as a person who exudes the qualities that apply to other kinds of day-to-day relationships.

The point isn’t about dominance, the doing and being done to. It’s about how and with whom we will flourish. Isn’t that the beating heart of love?